mid-teen crisis: episode 2

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in."- Ricky Fitts, American Beauty

I spent 2 hours at the park by myself as if I was having a 'Holden Caulfield' moment. I was just in the mood to feel like a protagonist of a 'rites of passage' novel. 

I chucked on my army green raincoat (ironically like Lindsay Weir), put my earphones in and strolled to Monte Cecilia park with my hands in my pockets. I only had the company of my music.

As the greenery opened out in front of me with the shadows of the hills and trees, I realised I was the only person there at that moment. I guess you can say I was alone. 

I was drawn to the trees in search of a climbable one because I wanted to feel like a kid again. It wasn't easy finding one since most of Monte Cecilia's trees are overwhelmingly massive as they've been there since the late 1800s. If the trees could talk, I can imagine them being wise with many tales to share. I tried my best not to trip over the giant anacondas dwelling in the fallen leaves.

Each time I thought I found the perfect tree, I got closer and saw that the tree was bound in thick spider webs, yuck. I walked through hovering curtains of leaves and I walked into another realm with the tree acting as a dome. I decided to make myself comfortable in this tree that was less extravagant than the rest. While I was looking up at the sun and the leaves, Lorde was singing to me about how she feels the same way about being a teenager.

I relocated myself to the grass to take advantage of the sun. My black jeans were soaking up the warmth as I laid there. I stared at the clouds, observing their movement and interaction with each other. It seemed like the clouds were dancing to Lana Del Rey's 'Black Beauty' while I was listening to it. Everything seemed so beautiful to me.

As I was trying to clear up my mind, more thoughts were hitting me;

Why does everybody want to get drunk and get with each other all the time? Am I the only 16-year-old girl that truly treasures her innocence? Why does everyone try so hard to impress each other? I wish I hang out with people that have similar interests and ambitions as me rather than having friends based on superficial reasons. I know I get along with almost everyone but it doesn't mean I connect with almost everyone. Sometimes I would just like to have conversations beyond small-talk and gossip. 
Oh crap, I'm almost seventeen. 

Gosh, the people that walked by me must have thought I was a strange girl, especially since I was wearing a raincoat on a sunny day. Oh well, at least I feel enlightened. 

- freak out 

Never thought I was going to say this... I like Lorde

Ever since NZ radio started playing Lorde, I despised her with a passion. I hated the fact that a 16-year-old girl was doing extremely well in the industry I plan to be apart of. I thought "damn, how am i going to make it big now?" because lightening doesn't strike twice. Listening to the radio was risky. I snarled each time I heard the entrance of the muffled drumbeats of Royals. I thought she was some serious try-hard-tumblr-teen-angsty girl.  

Rewind to January 2013 - I discovered Lorde on here (before Royals hit the radio) and I absolutely loved her. I linked her soundcloud to all my friends so lets say she owes part of her success to me. I even messaged her on tumblr in which she replied back and I doubt she would be able to respond to any tumblr messages now. Then the radio came into play and everyone was like "oh my gosh, can't believe she's sixteen!"- this got on my nerves like a fat kid on a trampoline. Her age has contributed a lot to her success - Would people still be in awe of her if she wasn't sixteen?

I hated having Lorde's success rubbed in my face because I felt as if I was going nowhere (and I still feel this way). How can this girl thats so similar to me and my friends reach #1 on the US Billboard charts? She's making a living from music, travelling around the world and meeting all these interesting people, while we're stressing out about NCEA exams and hoping that New Years will meet our high expectations. I also hated the fact that Lorde was developed for 4 years making me question if she was manufactured to not be manufactured. Maybe it was the label's tactic to appease the teenage community that is "alternative" obsessed? You can say that I was jealous. 

She's grown on me. 'Team' is by far my favourite song of hers as it helped softened my distaste for her. Being an Auckland teenager as well, I identified so easily with  'Team' as she speaks for all of us.

We live in cities you'll never see on screen / Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run free

 I like her now since I've realised that if we met we would get on pretty well. She admitted in an interview that she was "pretty arrogant" and thats what made me relate to her. Odd, huh? I know I'm "pretty arrogant" as well and I don't even care that its a negative connotation (thanks to Kanye).  I'm confident and comfortable with myself, which people misinterpret as "arrogant". Call me a hypocrite though - I don't usually like other arrogant people.

 Lorde is everywhere. If I can't escape it then I'll embrace it.

- freak out

p.s I didn't talk much about her music but I'll add that her songs' productions are my favourite aspects of her music. I think her producer, Joel Little, deserves a lot more credit than he has received.

Directioners are going to hate me

When I was fifteen, I made the impulse decision to buy One Direction tickets for their Sunday 13th October 2013 concert in Auckland, taking a risk as there was a chance that within the 18 months I would out grow my obsession with them. Now I'm 16 and I don't have that intense desire for them anymore as I did when I was 14-15, which worried me so the 24 hours leading up to the concert I did my best to waken the 'directioner' inside of me. I had high hopes for the concert and I was genuinely excited. However, I went to the Auckland concert last night and I'm not entirely sure if it was a good concert or not. I'm not sure if my $130 was well spent.

To me, a good concert is when you (the audience) feel connected to the performer in some way, whether they make you feel special or they inspire you.  One Direction didn't make me feel that way. In saying that, I was dancing, singing and screaming along with fellow teenage girls and just going crazy. I mean, how could you not go crazy over Harry's voice? And luckily for the boys, it's almost impossible to forget lyrics when theres around 12 000 girls singing every word in unison. The main reason why I didn't think it was 'top notch' concert is that I felt as if they didn't mean what they were saying like "Auckland, you just may be the loudest concert we've ever played!" I know every performer says the city they're playing in "is the best ever" but at least most of the time its believable. It just seemed like they were saying the exact same thing at every concert like it was scripted. 

They somehow managed to looked like they were enjoying themselves while being bored at the same time. I don't blame them though, last night was their 118th concert of their Take Me Home tour. I can imagine every show, every crowd and every city all becomes the same to them. Nothing stood out to me apart from Liam's impressive beat boxing and that Harry looked 'damn fine'. I have a theory that they didn't put all their efforts in last night because they know they can make girls go ballistic by just doing the pettiest of things such as touching their hair.  

I do have a lot of respect for them as they have come a long way since their  X Factor days. I remember being obsessed with them when they only had two songs, What Makes You Beautiful and Na Na Na, and so I just had to watch their X Factor performances and interviews over and over again to give me satisfaction. I can't help but feel proud of them even though its not about the music anymore. 

Maybe if I had better seats I would be saying different things. 

Although I wasn't 100% pleased by their concert, I still can't stop listening to Little Things.

- freak out

(photo source: http://www.3news.co.nz/Entertainment/Photogallery/tabid/768/articleID/317119/Default.aspx)

interviews are so under-rated: Kanye West and Zane Lowe

"If you're a Kanye West fan, you're not a fan of me. 

You're a fan of yourself. You will believe in yourself"

So BBC Radio 1 has recently finished releasing  4 parts of an one hour interview with Kanye West. The interviewer is a radio personality called Zane Lowe and may I say that he is the best interviewer I've ever seen? And a big bonus that he's from Auckland! He's unlike any interviewer. He doesn't shove two-dimensional questions in Kanye's face and it's like he's a friend or a therapist to Kanye, who is overly aggressive and so "in-your-face". I love the beginning of part 3 where Kanye sheds his ego for a moment to inspire us, his fans (or his haters) to be ambitious and he's the "espresso" to get us "going". I don't even drink coffee (I'm more of a green tea person) but I'll let Kanye be my caffeine boost. 

Zane also did an interview with Jay-Z a couple of months ago in the same set up of an one hour interview divided into four parts. It's so interesting to watch because Jay-Z and Kanye are so contrasting. Jay-Z is so humble and chill, which allows the interview to become an informative conversation rather than an interview. It seriously feels like two friends just talking to each other and when they laugh, you laugh with them. Heres part 1 of the interview:

I'm really impressed by how Zane handles these interviews with these massive stars. Seriously, how was he so calm and composed? And his appreciation and knowledge of music is so vast!  It's always great to see a Kiwi being successful outside of New Zealand.

- freak out

Chatting To My Friend, Holly Rose Emery

The Budding Career of Holly Rose

catching up with Holly

While other seventeen-year-olds are only beginning to think about possible career options, Holly Rose Emery is already making a name for herself in the fashion industry as a full time model. She currently lives in New York while her family are here in Auckland. Holly hopes to become a famous model and follow in the footsteps of Kate Moss or Miranda Kerr - without a doubt she will achieve this as she possesses determination and oozes maturity beyond her years. I met up with Holly backstage at New York Fashion Week to talk about her career.

Holly closing Mulberry S/S14 
(and that's Cara Delevingne behind her)

After only modeling for one year, Holly has been booked to walk for numerous designers at New York Fashion Week, a much-anticipated event. As she walks into a frantic room of stylists, hairdressers and make-up artists preparing models for the opening of fashion week, she wears a loose, white T-shirt and grey sweatpants displaying a sense of calmness and quiet confidence. Yet there is an aura of excitement and nerves along with the strong scent of hairspray lingering in this room that is filled with overflowing racks of vibrant clothing. She greets everybody then relaxes her 6ft body into a makeup chair before she’s transformed from an ordinary 17-year-old girl to an haute couture model. I sit myself next to her with my backstage pass hanging around my neck and out of the way of the workers zooming here, there and everywhere. Makeup artists begin to paint her porcelain skin as I ask Holly about what she loves about modeling and instantly her face lights up. I can tell by her enthusiasm that she is well away on her favourite subject as she talks at full speed about modeling, “I’ve met so many interesting people, been to so many different places and I thank my modeling career for providing me with these wonderful experiences.” She shows great pride in her achievements as she lists “walking for Prada, Valentino and being featured in my own editorial in Vogue Australia” as highlights of her career so far. All these experiences would have been a distant dream for Holly a year ago but with immeasurable hard work, Holly is on her way to her goal of being a successful model.

Contrary to the stereotype of stick thin models, Holly was in fact quite a big person. Unlike the slender, elegant young woman she is today. At 95kg she knew she was overweight as she use to lounge on the couch eating nutella sandwiches while she watched Tyra Banks announce the winner of America’s next top model. “Believe it or not”, she says, “That’s when I realized I wanted to do that!” Two years of a Weight Watcher’s membership, loads of self-discipline and drive, saw Holly lose over 40kg. On her sixteenth birthday she walked into the offices of Red11 modeling agency read to give it ago. “Boom! I was signed”, says Holly with an animated grin. It is clear she knows it was the best decision she has ever made. Holly had 6 successful months of modeling in New Zealand before her agency offered her the opportunity to become a full time model overseas and Holly obviously jumped at the chance because “it was a step closer to achieving my dream.”

We may be envious of Holly’s life but it isn’t as glamorous as we perceive. While her blonde hair is wrapped around curlers, she speaks with a half-joking tone and tells me that “modeling is harder than it looks” but I know she’s being sincere. Becoming a full time model meant that Holly had to make some sacrifices. She looks a lot less exuberant when I bring up the topic as she gazes at the floor and replies, “It was extremely difficult leaving my family and friends and dropping out of school.” Holly looks at me and sighs as she reveals her self-doubts, “Sometimes I wonder if I‘m doing the right thing by leaving school and leaving family and moving out of the house”, but a smile appears and her spirits revive as she continues, “But I know everything will pay off in the end.”

Even though models have a relatively short career span, Holly plans to be in this competitive world for long time. “The secret to a successful career is to build a brand for yourself”, and through eyes of steel Holly says, “And that’s what I’m going to do.” Holly has achieved more than the average teenager but she is humbled by her journey. An organizer comes over and breaks the news to Holly that she will be closing the show and she shakes her head in disbelief, “I can’t believe this is real life.” Just as Holly is about to leave the makeup chair to get changed from her sweatpants to high-fashion apparel, I ask her what she would want to do if she wasn’t modeling but unexpectedly she leans towards me and redirects the question at me, “What do you want to do when you’ve finished school?” I respond, “I have ideas but their all just pipe dreams.” She plants her hand on my shoulder to give me the following advice:

“Keep dreaming big because you never know and dreams are able to somehow manifest their way into reality”

P.S. this was actually my english assignment so somethings are fictionalised - such as that I actually didn't go to New York to interview her (I wish). Holly's personality and quotes are genuine as she is a close friend of mine.

Mid-teen crisis: pilot episode

I remember as an 11 year old girl I just couldn't wait to grow up and be 16. Being 16 seemed so old and "so cool" but I don't remember any legitimate reasons as to why I wanted to grow up so bad. It could have been that movies and TV shows often portrayed teenage girls to have the most fun or it could have been that teenage girls were in every movie that I watched at 11 and so I wanted to be like them. Although as a 16 year old girl today, I don't understand why I wanted to grow up so bad because now I resent becoming an adult. I subconsciously associate 16 with starting a career or becoming successful and I'm definitely nowhere near starting anything but instead I'm focusing on finishing school. I hate saying that I'm 16 because I'm more than halfway to 30 and I have to think about my future now.

Growing up is one of the most scariest experiences that an average teenager would have to face. As a  16 year-old girl and in my second to last year of school, I have had to think about universities and future career options. My dream is to get paid for what I love doing whether its making music, writing or just creating art, similar to the careers of Pharrell, Jay-Z, Kanye and Tyler, the Creator. However, I highly doubt that will happen and I will most likely go with the norm and study commerce at Auckland University. I'd rather go to NYU and attend the Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music but I definitely cannot afford it but I don't want to stay in New Zealand so maybe Melbourne is the next best alternative.

At school, we have to do this assignment thing where we look into different career options and what we can do to get there. It tells you to list 3 "realistic" options and I had no idea what to write without sounding delusional of some sort so I wrote down musician/composer, marketing manager (preferably at a music label) and music journalist - I obviously had to tone my ambitions down a little bit. I guess school just tries to keep your head out of the clouds but in all honesty my top career option would be:

•  A successful music artist that composes for film, writes for magazines (or possibly start up my own magazine) and design clothes. So basically, I just want to create and do stuff that I'm passionate about. The only way to make a comfortable living is that I would have to be well-known or some may say "famous" (but I hate this word). I just want to be an artist that brings all the different arts together and build my own brand. However, I know this is insanely difficult to accomplish and not only do I have to be determined but I also have to be extremely lucky.

Yesterday I was on the bus to attend Auckland University's Open day and when I saw the countless of backpacks of students walking around like a colony of ants, my heart dropped a little as I rested my head on the back of the bus seat in front of me. I hate facing the reality that I'll be going to university and facing the "real world". The world doesn't cater much to my enjoyment and fantasies - well the world that I know. I don't want to spend my life at an office wearing blouses and pencil skirts. Maybe I should explore and discover the different worlds within our big world. Maybe I'll go to New York and just meet strange people like writers, poets, comedians, performers, musicians. Maybe I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that being an artist may mean I'll be poor but at least I'll be happy.

Almost Famous
Oddly enough, I found this photo after I wrote the paragraph above.

If you're older than 16 then you'll probably find these problems rather petty but I guess they are. I'll grow up and reflect on my journey and say "it wasn't that bad." But right now I'm having a mid-teen crisis.

With all my thoughts and emotions, I think this is a perfect moment to re-read Catcher in the Rye.

-Freak out

Heres a playlist: 'Screw Stress'

What do most of us do when we are stressed?

Listen to music

From here and beyond until I finish my last NCEA exam of 2013, I know I am going to be extremely stressed and I know heaps of other people will feel the same.  So heres a playlist that could be played while you're relaxing in the bath with a burning vanilla scented candle or you can play it while you are studying your arse off.

1. Up in Flames - Coldplay

A fairly slow song with repeating piano chords and a constant drum beat complimenting Chris Martin's almost-a-whisper voice, which make this song more intimate and soothing.

2. No Surprises - Radiohead

One of my favourite songs of Radiohead with its tinkling glockenspiel making it almost dream-like or like a baby's lullaby.

3. Across the Universe - The Beatles

The Beatles were inspired by their time in India which is obvious within this song through the chant 'jai guru deva om' (which translates to 'I give thanks to Guru Deva') and also heard through the Indian guitar - the sitar and, which allows this song has a meditational sense to it.

4. Yayo - Lana Del Rey

This is a classic Lana song as it features in her first e.p Kill Kill, her debut album (Lana Del Rey a.k.a Lizzy Grant) and also in the Paradise edition of Born To Die - truly shows how far she has come. It has a more acoustic sound with the simple plucking of the guitar strings and the echoing of her vocals.

5. Chelsea Hotel No.2 - Leonard Cohen

Cohen wrote this song in memory of Janis Joplin, whom he was close with, and it has a sense of romanticism without being cheesy. I think Cohen's lyrics truly standout from the minimal production and you can definitely feel his grief through each note.

6. Dream A Little Dream Of Me - Doris Day

I love this version of this song as its jazzy and cool. The improvisation and trills of the piano compliments Doris' breathy, low voice. The subtleties of this song such as the tapping drum beat and strings really hold this song together.

7. Strawberry Swing - Frank Ocean

A great rendition of Strawberry Swing, which was originally written by Coldplay, it was re-written by Ocean as he showcases his song-writing talents over another musician's backing. The driving rhythms and electric guitar riff makes this song uplifting and just makes you feel good.

8. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac

For anyone thats read 'Perks of being a wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky will know that 'Landslide' is the tunnel song that helped create the feeling of 'infinite'. Need I say more?

9. The Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel

Always gotta have a bit of folk to relax the mind haha. This song is quite a percussive piece but it beautifully opens with the harmonisation of whispering vocals.

10. Claire de lune - Claude Debussy

"Classical" music is perfect for studying as it doesn't have lyrics that may distract you from your studies. Debussy's works aren't classified as 'classical' but it is actually impressionist music which relates to the impressionism movement in art. Debussy was inspired by impressionist art and mainly aims to paint a picture for the listener. Just listen to the colourful harmonies and think about what Debussy is trying to portray (if you aren't trying to memorise Shakespeare quotes for your English exam).