Imagine yourself driving through your neighbourhood where you've spent your adolescent years. You see your-5-year-old-self playing on the playground as you drive past but its not exactly the same as it was 12 years ago. The swings, see-saws and monkey bars have been altered and improved to be more safe yet still exciting for the next generation. You catch the gaze of a young adult in the mirror of the sun visor hanging above you. The eyes are glazed over with worry and excitement as they wonder what they will see in the future. You put your foot down on the brake but your car is rebelling and continuing to speed past your memories.
A busted brake is a terrifying thought. I had this dream last night of my car brakes not working properly - ironically after I officially graduated from Epsom Girls Grammar School. I don't usually investigate into the meanings of dreams but I naturally realised what my dream was implementing;
I can't stop the maturation process.
I've come to grips with the reality I have to grow up and face the world. I'm ready to embrace the opportunities and responsibilities. As the school year was concluding, I became eager to finish school and say good bye to superficial friendships. I've definitely matured throughout this year as16-year-old-me had strongly resented growing up. The 16-year-old me would have also focused on maintaining friendships to uphold a certain level of social status (I think that was my mindset last year? or maybe it was 15-year-old me?). The 17-year-old me has learned its more important and satisfying to focus on achieving true happiness, which fake friends and popularity would never provide for me. I've learned to stop caring about what people (who don't matter to me) think about me. I've learned to make friends based on common interests. I've learned who are my true friends. I've also learned and experienced the beauty of hard work and dedication towards achieving a goal.
As much as I'm ready to embrace adulthood, I'm also going to just simply enjoy being a teenager this summer. I'm going to savour my last moments of being 17 and not force myself to grow up fast. I can't fight time. I just have to go with the ride. And I'm ready to move onto the next stage of my life and onto bigger and better things (hopefully).
Although we lose control of things (that we never truly had any control over), we can still steer the car towards our preferred destination.
Since the beginning of the year, I had envisioned myself studying communications at AUT and possibly doing a business and communications conjoint degree. My plans have been cemented in my mind for the past year and I've already accepted a provisional offer for Communications. I've also been offered a place for their business program but I can only accept a place for one degree. These plans are realistic and easy to accomplish - especially compared to my ambitious career goals of establishing a magazine, record label and ultimately developing an empire.
However I've encountered a stumbling block along my transition from year 13 student to university student. I've been offered an AUT business scholarship. I wouldn't need to worry about the tuition fees for three years, which is great. I haven't accepted it yet because I've been having doubts and concerns about my future. I had planned to study communications in my first year before I apply for a conjoint degree with business. AUT rarely accepts students into conjoint degrees straight out of year 13 as they need to judge whether a student can handle a conjoint degree based on their grades in the first year. The scholarship changes my plans as I have to study business in my first year. I'm worried I'm going to lose the writing and thinking skills I've developed through my school subjects that would benefit my communications studies. All my hard work and dedication to History, English and Media may go to waste. I'm not even a great business student if I'm honest; I'm pretty average. I'm not passionate about business but I do think it is useful in helping me achieve my goal. I'm scared this degree will push me towards an office job.
Communication studies is where my true passions lie. I'm going to apply for a conjoint after my first year either way but I'm still worried that I may not be able maintain a B minus average in business. If I don't maintain the B minus average then I would not be able to do a conjoint degree and will also lose my scholarship. What if I can't do that? What if I get depressed because I won't be enjoying business and I'd rather be doing communications? What if I decide "screw it, I can't be bothered I'd just stick with business"? What if my writing and thinking skills decline? What if my career ambitions change and become more realistic?
I think I will accept the scholarship. I tell myself, "I am going to accept the scholarship otherwise I may appear to be ungrateful. Its a great opportunity." At the same time, as I think I'm becoming more comfortable with idea, there are episodes where I stress out and ask myself, "Is this the right decision?Why am I choosing to study a subject I'm not even great at? I'm good at History, English and Media and I enjoy them so why don't I continue with to develop skills I've learned from them?" These question leads to an emotional downwards spiral, which I try to overcome with Arcade Fire's album, Funeral.
I feel I should talk to someone and hope they give me insightful advice. Maybe you could give me assurance or guidance?
- freak out
p.s. I know I could always continue to exercise my skills outside of my studies but I may not have motivation. Hopefully I meet like-minded people that will inspire me to create things - whether it be writing, creating a zine or even making music. I know I'll have to be cautious of who I surround myself with because I don't want lazy people to diminish my drive. I might sound harsh but its true. You have to take the sandbags off the hot air balloon if you want to fly higher.
Say goodbye to flower crowns, old Hollywood curls and heart shaped glasses - the things we thought defined Lana Del Rey and her debut album, Born To Die. Elizabeth Grant's 1950s Lolita persona is dead and laid to rest in her white dress with red roses in her hair. We should have seen this coming as the title, Born To Die, was an obvious-yet-subtle hint at the death of this character that launched her into stardom. Elizabeth struggled getting recognition for her acoustic music under her name, 'Lizzy Grant', but her luck turned around fast when she transformed into Lana Del Rey and sang upon heavy hip hop beats.
There is a conspiracy theory depicting "Lana Del Rey" as simply a product of Interscope's marketing team who were supposedly motivated by her "millionaire daddy's" investment. As the media amplified the affluence of her family, people questioned if Interscope signed Lizzy due to her talent or her father's money and connections. Maybe she was getting desperate for her big break and Interscope intentionally took advantage of her thirst for fame as they moulded her into "Lana Del Rey". Despite the possibility Born To Die was a false representation of Lana, we are now able to relish in Lana's authenticity in Ultraviolence.
With an album title inspired by A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess, Ultraviolence is Lizzy's next chapter in her music career as Lana Del Rey. Lana has ditched the artificial hip hop production and opted for a more authentic approach with "cheap microphones from the drugstore" and live instruments creating painfully raw and honest rock music. While Born To Die was a representation of modern day music, Ultraviolence transports us back into the 20th century with a nostalgic sound mirroring the likes of Nina Simone, Bob Dylan, Nirvana and also Lizzy Grant. If you listen to Lana's previous work (pre-Born To Die), you will notice Ultraviolence embodies a similar acoustic vibe. Lana's ability to create imagery and atmosphere allows Ultraviolence to take us on a dark cinematic journey through a black and white TV screen; we sing along to Brooklyn Baby with a community of folk-rock musicians and beat poets in Greenwich Village, we drive a 1970s Ford Mustang convertible under the UV rays and Californian palm trees with West Coast on the radio, and then we observe a 1950s housewife leaning against the windowsill as she stares outside reminiscing about a former lover whileOld Money plays on her record player.
Since Lana has achieved fame and recognition, Lana has taken this opportunity to return to her roots and her true sound with Ultraviolence showcasing a similar style to her works as Lizzy Grant. Lana's record label originally refused to release Ultraviolence because it isn't commercially attractive and is 'unsuitable' for radio, which means less earnings for the already-affluent major label. Ultraviolence is a refreshing album amongst the obnoxious dance music we are surrounded by today. The album is less manufactured and more 'hand-crafted' and that's the beauty of Ultraviolence.
After months of Grimes on a music hiatus, she has finally released some new music which has been long over due. I wouldn't be surprised if Grimes' lengthy silence convinced people she had quit music. I was genuinely upset when I read her tumblr post about her experience with the music industry, which I misinterpreted and thought she was hinting at ending her musical efforts. Exactly 13 days ago I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and saw she had released Go - I was ecstatic until I listened to it. I was disappointed because I expected her trademark incomprehensible vocals that were present in her previous albums but she's actually singing conventionally in Go. I expected more emphasis on the melodic and percussive production, which is a characteristic of Grimes' music, but her vocals are in the foreground this time. However I did not expect the prominent dance aspect of the production. I was disappointed because it wasn't "Grimes" (or how I viewed her). I know I'm a bit late with this blogpost since Go was released two weeks ago but I'm posting it now because my mind has changed and I LOVE it. Despite my initial bitter reaction, Go is literally on repeat as I'm writing this. Grimes has a talent for making bizarre-yet-catchy songs therefore I could not suppress my love for Go by the third listen. I also learned Grimes wrote this song for Rihanna so I now understand why Go doesn't seem like a typical Grimes song. Most people hate change but Grimes demonstrates change is good and beneficial as she develops her musical artistry with Go, which I fully support. I predict Go will give her more commercial success as I can imagine people dancing and singing "When I go, can I go with you?" in the car or at a party. Go may become a popular request at parties... well I'll be definitely be putting it on. - freak out
It gets on my nerves when people insult a person's appearance because they don't fit into their perception of "beauty". Beauty is an ambiguous, abstract term while the media has enforced in our brains a definite image of female beauty as skinny, big breasts, long hair etc. We are all guilty of judging a person's appearance without realising the superficiality and shallowness embedded in ourselves.
I've become more aware of the media's wicked influence on our views on beauty ever since I watched Miss Representation. I've definitely become sensitive to the consequences of our distorted perception of beauty in my daily life. I heard a fellow classmate say, "Ew, I don't know why she posted that instagram photo because she's got rolls. That's so not attractive." I also know a group of boys that have a rating system on whether or not a girl "ticks all the boxes" and I'm sure most boys (and girls) do this but it is just wrong and disgusting. I hate seeing people liking instagram photos of people's flat abs, perky butts and thigh gaps because I think thats unhealthy to see those images constantly. I agree they are beautiful but why are we dismissive of the girls who aren't skinny or fit? I want to see more photos of girls who aren't skinny or fit yet they gleam with confidence and self-love. If you call someone 'fat' its an insult whereas calling someone skinny is a compliment instead of being plain observations and statements. Why don't we ever use 'fat' as a compliment?
Fortunately, the past couple of years has revitalised a small wave of feminism through media as actresses, musicians, artists have been provoking the public to question the ideals of beauty. Lorde and Beyonce definitely know the power of their celebrity status. Beyonce's Pretty Hurts video addresses this issue in a way female audiences can identify with as it shows how women torture themselves in order to look "beautiful". I respect Lorde since she opposes media customs and intends to challenge the universal image of beauty as she endorses that "flaws are ok". She accepts she is not "conventionally pretty" and continues to be confident in her skin as she does her trademark epileptic-gollum dance moves. I've encountered girls around school saying, "I hate Lorde. She is so ugly, like what the hell." and its unsettling because I think, as girls, we need to be supportive of each other and stop criticising how "ugly" or even how "slutty" a girl looks.
It's not only women that are affected by media's portrayal of beauty as men are victims too. Theres also pressure for men to look fit and muscly to convey power and 'manliness'. Girls are guilty too as most girls judge a guy's attractiveness on whether he has chiseled abs, a defined jawline and a tall figure. Personally, I couldn't care less about a guy's physique since it does not influence my liking towards him but I'm still guilty of occasionally judging boys on their clothing choices. I do try my best to judge whether I like a person or not based on their personality although its difficult when we live in a society obsessed with image.
I saw several people from my school posting this personality chart on Facebook and of course I was intrigued by the idea that your "personality" can be visually translated for yours and everyone else's knowledge. (I put quotation marks around "personality" because my friend once said personalities don't exist and in reality we are a mixture other people's traits, opinions, preferences etc.) The personality chart is developed from a strenuous quiz with simple questions and answers, which you obviously have to answer as honest as possible. After a long hour of answering these questions, I viewed my results and it was pretty much what I expected.
I bet my friends would have expected the 'self-confidence' to be insanely high. I expected it to be high but not at THIS high at the maximum rating. Although I was prepared for these results, the extreme 'self-confidence' and 'determination' truly scared me and made me question myself and my motives.
Am I so determined that I would be willing to be corrupt/dishonest/unethical in order to succeed?
Does that make me a selfish person that I would prioritise achieving my own ambitions?
What if I have "too much" self- confidence?
Almost a year ago I made a conscious change to fake my 'self-confidence' because I realised the importance of believing in yourself and your ideas, visions, decisions and ambitions in order to succeed in life and be happy. If you are confident in yourself then you become less reliant on other people's approval of you while other people will also have faith and confidence in you. (I shall save 'the importance of self-confidence and self-love' for a later post.) Over the months, I've become more and more self-assured in my decisions for the future but I still have doubts about certain things.
I know I am a highly ambitious, determined person but I worry that these traits would lead to my downfall just like Macbeth. Shakespeare warns us "security is mortal's chiefest enemy", which makes me think about the dangers of having 'security' in oneself. I often think about this quote/advice because it simply makes sense to me as I relate my excessive self-confidence to the type of 'security' Shakespeare is referring to - Macbeth's false sense of invincibility.
Even before I did this quiz, I had been thinking about the possibility of my ambitiousness and confidence creating a monster within me.
But screw it. I'll use these attributes to my advantage and become successful.
I love it when friends introduce me to new music because it saves me the effort to search for good, new music upon the vast internet. Theres an abundance of musicians putting themselves online through soundcloud, youtube etc. but only a minority of them are actually worth listening to and downloading to your iTunes. Music blogs or online magazines, like Hypetrak, are helpful to an extent but they practically post any music of any new artist so there is a mixture of good, average and awful musicians. I always read the description/overview of the music and artist and the writer always makes the musician sound great but I'm often disappointed when I press play. Whereas, friends know your music taste and have relatively good judgements on what or what not to 'link' you.
Here is a list of upcoming and established musicians my lovely friends have introduced to me / or I've discovered through various outlets (since I also want to return the favour) :
Logic
If Frank Sinatra was reincarnated as a rapper,
he would be re-living his fame and glory as 23-year-old Logic (whose real name
is actually Sir Robert Bryson Hall III – I’m not kidding). Logic embodies the
Sinatra charm and confidence while he blows our mind with his wordplay and the
speed of his rhymes. Although his raps are complex and quick, he manages to
maintain a certain smoothness and an effortless flow. He has a clear vision of achieving mainstream
success while staying loyal to hip hop and we shall see if he remains true to
his word. Logic will be propelled into the
spotlight since his debut album is set to be released this year with the
support of major record label, Def Jam.
source of discovery: www.xxlmag.com
King Krule
There is a Punk renaissance infused with Jazz, Blues and Hip Hop and 19-year-old King Krule (aka Archy Marshall) is leading the way. Don't let his red hair fool you into believing he is an 'Ed Sheeran' type instead I'd say he is more like 'Johnny Rotten' if we were to be generalising gingers (which we shouldn't do). He brings angst to the foreground with his rough, tortured moans and groans while he tells us, "In my head I'm getting dead tired of this shit you've caused/ You fucking bitch." (check out those internal rhymes - he is obviously an avid listener of rap). King Krule freely moves between these indistinct states of singing and rapping (basically punk-rap) against the smoothness of his Fender guitar. Amongst the underground hip hop scene, King Krule has also gained respect with his collaboration with Ratking, a NYC hip hop collective, in So Sick Stories so don't feel your "street cred" is at jeopardy for listening to him.
source of discovery: don't actually remember
FKA Twigs
Although FKA Twigs' music lacks excitement, there is something enchanting and eerie about FKA Twigs and her ethereal electronic production. FKA Twigs deceives the audience with her innocent-Bambi-look while she expresses her sexuality through her lyrics, "That feels good in my/ That feels good/ so so amazing/ I want you in my", - why won't she finish her sentence? To be honest, I think her lyrics are too basic and boring but her use of sound is reasonably intriguing. And If I'm going to be fully honest with you, I think it was her "cool" image rather than her music that convinced me to like her.
source of discovery: Pitchfork... I think?
Glass Animals
I don't know much about Glass Animals except they're a London band consisting of four guys that make great music and understand the effectiveness of minimalism. When my friend tagged me in the Glass Animals' Facebook post of their song, Gooey, I assumed they were some kind of "alty" band. Therefore I was hesitant and wary because I have stigmatised "alternative" music in my mind but I can't always trust my judgements. Glass Animals' repertoire is a delicious mixture of psychedelic, whimsical, electro-pop flavours that I'm obsessed with now, like holy shit.
source of discovery: friend
Grimes
Two years ago, my friend sent me Grimes' Oblivion music video and my initial reaction was, "What the hell is this? Like oh my gosh, this is so weird that I'm slightly creeped out by her." I hated her but yet I could not stop watching her videos and interviews and slowly I became a fan. I truly admire her and her clear vision of herself as an artist (but I'll save my fangirling for another blog post). Visions is a bizarre, phenomenal album with music I thought I wouldn't ever enjoy but Grimes surprised me. Her innovative, futuristic production creates a hypnotic trance amongst listeners and transports them to the Fifth Element. Grimes definitely knows how to take advantage of the influence of pop music as she lures people into the catchiness of her synths. Thank goodness Grimes is currently working on her fourth album otherwise I would have started a riot because I've been anticipating for her to release more music for far too long.
source of discovery: friend - Emma
Arctic Monkeys
I know they've been around for a long time that they are practically veterans of British indie-rock music. I had disregarded the Arctic Monkeys over the years until my friend played AM on vinyl. The opening of the kick drums and moody guitar line (Do I Wanna Know?) instantly opened my eyes to the potency of the Arctic Monkeys. The booming sound system projected the domineering vibrations of the bass amongst the walls, windows, furniture and bodies. It was a stranger, wonderful sensation. If I had listened to their music on the internet, I highly doubt it would have had any influence over me.
