However I've encountered a stumbling block along my transition from year 13 student to university student. I've been offered an AUT business scholarship. I wouldn't need to worry about the tuition fees for three years, which is great. I haven't accepted it yet because I've been having doubts and concerns about my future. I had planned to study communications in my first year before I apply for a conjoint degree with business. AUT rarely accepts students into conjoint degrees straight out of year 13 as they need to judge whether a student can handle a conjoint degree based on their grades in the first year. The scholarship changes my plans as I have to study business in my first year. I'm worried I'm going to lose the writing and thinking skills I've developed through my school subjects that would benefit my communications studies. All my hard work and dedication to History, English and Media may go to waste. I'm not even a great business student if I'm honest; I'm pretty average. I'm not passionate about business but I do think it is useful in helping me achieve my goal. I'm scared this degree will push me towards an office job.
Communication studies is where my true passions lie. I'm going to apply for a conjoint after my first year either way but I'm still worried that I may not be able maintain a B minus average in business. If I don't maintain the B minus average then I would not be able to do a conjoint degree and will also lose my scholarship. What if I can't do that? What if I get depressed because I won't be enjoying business and I'd rather be doing communications? What if I decide "screw it, I can't be bothered I'd just stick with business"? What if my writing and thinking skills decline? What if my career ambitions change and become more realistic?
I think I will accept the scholarship. I tell myself, "I am going to accept the scholarship otherwise I may appear to be ungrateful. Its a great opportunity." At the same time, as I think I'm becoming more comfortable with idea, there are episodes where I stress out and ask myself, "Is this the right decision?Why am I choosing to study a subject I'm not even great at? I'm good at History, English and Media and I enjoy them so why don't I continue with to develop skills I've learned from them?" These question leads to an emotional downwards spiral, which I try to overcome with Arcade Fire's album, Funeral.
I feel I should talk to someone and hope they give me insightful advice. Maybe you could give me assurance or guidance?
- freak out
p.s. I know I could always continue to exercise my skills outside of my studies but I may not have motivation. Hopefully I meet like-minded people that will inspire me to create things - whether it be writing, creating a zine or even making music. I know I'll have to be cautious of who I surround myself with because I don't want lazy people to diminish my drive. I might sound harsh but its true. You have to take the sandbags off the hot air balloon if you want to fly higher.
