mid-teen crisis: episode 2

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in."- Ricky Fitts, American Beauty

I spent 2 hours at the park by myself as if I was having a 'Holden Caulfield' moment. I was just in the mood to feel like a protagonist of a 'rites of passage' novel. 

I chucked on my army green raincoat (ironically like Lindsay Weir), put my earphones in and strolled to Monte Cecilia park with my hands in my pockets. I only had the company of my music.

As the greenery opened out in front of me with the shadows of the hills and trees, I realised I was the only person there at that moment. I guess you can say I was alone. 

I was drawn to the trees in search of a climbable one because I wanted to feel like a kid again. It wasn't easy finding one since most of Monte Cecilia's trees are overwhelmingly massive as they've been there since the late 1800s. If the trees could talk, I can imagine them being wise with many tales to share. I tried my best not to trip over the giant anacondas dwelling in the fallen leaves.

Each time I thought I found the perfect tree, I got closer and saw that the tree was bound in thick spider webs, yuck. I walked through hovering curtains of leaves and I walked into another realm with the tree acting as a dome. I decided to make myself comfortable in this tree that was less extravagant than the rest. While I was looking up at the sun and the leaves, Lorde was singing to me about how she feels the same way about being a teenager.

I relocated myself to the grass to take advantage of the sun. My black jeans were soaking up the warmth as I laid there. I stared at the clouds, observing their movement and interaction with each other. It seemed like the clouds were dancing to Lana Del Rey's 'Black Beauty' while I was listening to it. Everything seemed so beautiful to me.

As I was trying to clear up my mind, more thoughts were hitting me;

Why does everybody want to get drunk and get with each other all the time? Am I the only 16-year-old girl that truly treasures her innocence? Why does everyone try so hard to impress each other? I wish I hang out with people that have similar interests and ambitions as me rather than having friends based on superficial reasons. I know I get along with almost everyone but it doesn't mean I connect with almost everyone. Sometimes I would just like to have conversations beyond small-talk and gossip. 
Oh crap, I'm almost seventeen. 

Gosh, the people that walked by me must have thought I was a strange girl, especially since I was wearing a raincoat on a sunny day. Oh well, at least I feel enlightened. 

- freak out 

Never thought I was going to say this... I like Lorde

Ever since NZ radio started playing Lorde, I despised her with a passion. I hated the fact that a 16-year-old girl was doing extremely well in the industry I plan to be apart of. I thought "damn, how am i going to make it big now?" because lightening doesn't strike twice. Listening to the radio was risky. I snarled each time I heard the entrance of the muffled drumbeats of Royals. I thought she was some serious try-hard-tumblr-teen-angsty girl.  

Rewind to January 2013 - I discovered Lorde on here (before Royals hit the radio) and I absolutely loved her. I linked her soundcloud to all my friends so lets say she owes part of her success to me. I even messaged her on tumblr in which she replied back and I doubt she would be able to respond to any tumblr messages now. Then the radio came into play and everyone was like "oh my gosh, can't believe she's sixteen!"- this got on my nerves like a fat kid on a trampoline. Her age has contributed a lot to her success - Would people still be in awe of her if she wasn't sixteen?

I hated having Lorde's success rubbed in my face because I felt as if I was going nowhere (and I still feel this way). How can this girl thats so similar to me and my friends reach #1 on the US Billboard charts? She's making a living from music, travelling around the world and meeting all these interesting people, while we're stressing out about NCEA exams and hoping that New Years will meet our high expectations. I also hated the fact that Lorde was developed for 4 years making me question if she was manufactured to not be manufactured. Maybe it was the label's tactic to appease the teenage community that is "alternative" obsessed? You can say that I was jealous. 

She's grown on me. 'Team' is by far my favourite song of hers as it helped softened my distaste for her. Being an Auckland teenager as well, I identified so easily with  'Team' as she speaks for all of us.

We live in cities you'll never see on screen / Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run free

 I like her now since I've realised that if we met we would get on pretty well. She admitted in an interview that she was "pretty arrogant" and thats what made me relate to her. Odd, huh? I know I'm "pretty arrogant" as well and I don't even care that its a negative connotation (thanks to Kanye).  I'm confident and comfortable with myself, which people misinterpret as "arrogant". Call me a hypocrite though - I don't usually like other arrogant people.

 Lorde is everywhere. If I can't escape it then I'll embrace it.

- freak out

p.s I didn't talk much about her music but I'll add that her songs' productions are my favourite aspects of her music. I think her producer, Joel Little, deserves a lot more credit than he has received.

Directioners are going to hate me

When I was fifteen, I made the impulse decision to buy One Direction tickets for their Sunday 13th October 2013 concert in Auckland, taking a risk as there was a chance that within the 18 months I would out grow my obsession with them. Now I'm 16 and I don't have that intense desire for them anymore as I did when I was 14-15, which worried me so the 24 hours leading up to the concert I did my best to waken the 'directioner' inside of me. I had high hopes for the concert and I was genuinely excited. However, I went to the Auckland concert last night and I'm not entirely sure if it was a good concert or not. I'm not sure if my $130 was well spent.

To me, a good concert is when you (the audience) feel connected to the performer in some way, whether they make you feel special or they inspire you.  One Direction didn't make me feel that way. In saying that, I was dancing, singing and screaming along with fellow teenage girls and just going crazy. I mean, how could you not go crazy over Harry's voice? And luckily for the boys, it's almost impossible to forget lyrics when theres around 12 000 girls singing every word in unison. The main reason why I didn't think it was 'top notch' concert is that I felt as if they didn't mean what they were saying like "Auckland, you just may be the loudest concert we've ever played!" I know every performer says the city they're playing in "is the best ever" but at least most of the time its believable. It just seemed like they were saying the exact same thing at every concert like it was scripted. 

They somehow managed to looked like they were enjoying themselves while being bored at the same time. I don't blame them though, last night was their 118th concert of their Take Me Home tour. I can imagine every show, every crowd and every city all becomes the same to them. Nothing stood out to me apart from Liam's impressive beat boxing and that Harry looked 'damn fine'. I have a theory that they didn't put all their efforts in last night because they know they can make girls go ballistic by just doing the pettiest of things such as touching their hair.  

I do have a lot of respect for them as they have come a long way since their  X Factor days. I remember being obsessed with them when they only had two songs, What Makes You Beautiful and Na Na Na, and so I just had to watch their X Factor performances and interviews over and over again to give me satisfaction. I can't help but feel proud of them even though its not about the music anymore. 

Maybe if I had better seats I would be saying different things. 

Although I wasn't 100% pleased by their concert, I still can't stop listening to Little Things.

- freak out

(photo source: http://www.3news.co.nz/Entertainment/Photogallery/tabid/768/articleID/317119/Default.aspx)