Mid-teen crisis: pilot episode

I remember as an 11 year old girl I just couldn't wait to grow up and be 16. Being 16 seemed so old and "so cool" but I don't remember any legitimate reasons as to why I wanted to grow up so bad. It could have been that movies and TV shows often portrayed teenage girls to have the most fun or it could have been that teenage girls were in every movie that I watched at 11 and so I wanted to be like them. Although as a 16 year old girl today, I don't understand why I wanted to grow up so bad because now I resent becoming an adult. I subconsciously associate 16 with starting a career or becoming successful and I'm definitely nowhere near starting anything but instead I'm focusing on finishing school. I hate saying that I'm 16 because I'm more than halfway to 30 and I have to think about my future now.

Growing up is one of the most scariest experiences that an average teenager would have to face. As a  16 year-old girl and in my second to last year of school, I have had to think about universities and future career options. My dream is to get paid for what I love doing whether its making music, writing or just creating art, similar to the careers of Pharrell, Jay-Z, Kanye and Tyler, the Creator. However, I highly doubt that will happen and I will most likely go with the norm and study commerce at Auckland University. I'd rather go to NYU and attend the Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music but I definitely cannot afford it but I don't want to stay in New Zealand so maybe Melbourne is the next best alternative.

At school, we have to do this assignment thing where we look into different career options and what we can do to get there. It tells you to list 3 "realistic" options and I had no idea what to write without sounding delusional of some sort so I wrote down musician/composer, marketing manager (preferably at a music label) and music journalist - I obviously had to tone my ambitions down a little bit. I guess school just tries to keep your head out of the clouds but in all honesty my top career option would be:

•  A successful music artist that composes for film, writes for magazines (or possibly start up my own magazine) and design clothes. So basically, I just want to create and do stuff that I'm passionate about. The only way to make a comfortable living is that I would have to be well-known or some may say "famous" (but I hate this word). I just want to be an artist that brings all the different arts together and build my own brand. However, I know this is insanely difficult to accomplish and not only do I have to be determined but I also have to be extremely lucky.

Yesterday I was on the bus to attend Auckland University's Open day and when I saw the countless of backpacks of students walking around like a colony of ants, my heart dropped a little as I rested my head on the back of the bus seat in front of me. I hate facing the reality that I'll be going to university and facing the "real world". The world doesn't cater much to my enjoyment and fantasies - well the world that I know. I don't want to spend my life at an office wearing blouses and pencil skirts. Maybe I should explore and discover the different worlds within our big world. Maybe I'll go to New York and just meet strange people like writers, poets, comedians, performers, musicians. Maybe I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that being an artist may mean I'll be poor but at least I'll be happy.

Almost Famous
Oddly enough, I found this photo after I wrote the paragraph above.

If you're older than 16 then you'll probably find these problems rather petty but I guess they are. I'll grow up and reflect on my journey and say "it wasn't that bad." But right now I'm having a mid-teen crisis.

With all my thoughts and emotions, I think this is a perfect moment to re-read Catcher in the Rye.

-Freak out